I'm home on a new years eve night. Not feeling well... Thinking too much also. Made all the worse by knowing that I'm supposed to be able to step out of this 'mode'. Have I grown at all this year? Or am I just the same person who just knows more? Do I keep making the same mistakes? Its seems that way...

I'm going to be an adult soon... 21 years old... No more leniency. Less chances for mistakes so to speak. God, don't give up on me now. Don't get frustrated at me because I keep worrying about her, whoever she might be.

"I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation..."
Thats Paul for you. How he did it I don't know. Ignored the facts or focused on God? Focused on God I think. Because its worked for me before. Just that I can't keep it up all the time.

Have a good new year.

::: Lyric of the Day :::
December was a long year
Still running from your pain
Facades and walls, they find me
And I never felt the same
I'm riddled in these board games
But I'm bored with the game

Would have updated more if I didn't have these things on my mind. Should it always be a struggle? Is it supposed to be this difficult?

I wrote the following in Chiang Mai...
It was the night where quite a few of the team members got sick and Liana had a high fever...

We have to confess with our mouth and believe in our hearts. How can we do that when the pain is still there? What if we stil see and feel the effects of the sickness. I've been told to continue believing and so far, He's not withheld His side of the bargain. But what if it didn't... How would I react then?

I was thinking so much about healing that day... We had gone visiting the villagers in their homes and there was this guy who had broken his leg 16 years ago. He didn't go see a doctor and his leg didn't heal right... So his calf was at a funny angle and he couldn't walk right. Asked the group to stay back so that we could pray for him. The pastor asked me to pray while he translated. But after praying out 4 lines, my mind came to a complete halt... Doubts came in and I got pretty upset with myself after that. Began questioning God. He had said I would be a dangerous man for Him... So why was I so afraid? Not knowing what to do and how to do it?

Wrote this on saturday night after the evangelistic concert..
Anyway, these past few days I've been in a whirlwind of activity. I believe its only through God's provision of strength that we managed to get through it all... The team members have good hearts but yet I feel that there's a cap. I'm so glad that it was loosened tonight.

We had a wonderful time praying and worshipping when the speaker went up. We wouldn't have understood the sermon anyway... God spoke to me again. I think I might have a direction after my 5 year plan. Or it might just specifically be for the 5 year duration. I'm not sure.

All I know is that I felt God's love radiating in that room. The amazing thing was that the 16 year old thai girl who was with us felt it too... And even though she knew close to nothing about singing the Holy Spirit and could speak and understand very little of English, she broke down in tears when we prayed and sang. She probably had no idea what we were praying about but she could feel God's love...

Had a vision of a dome of light convering Sanpranet church and the word that came with it. "This ground belongs to me. Claim it in my name..."
Shared it with the group and got 2 confirmations from Liwei and Kris. After that there was a massive feeling of peace. As if what we prayed for had been done. Although I wouldn't know that till much later. God spoke to me in his loving, kind voice. He asked why I wasn't seeking Him more. He also reassured me saying, "Obey and you'll be on the right track.

See... all this reassurance... Why is it still so difficult? 20 more days till the end of my covenant... Lynette suggested extending it one or two more years. The thought of it leaves me breathless...

I'm back... From the mission trip to Thailand. Yet again I've seen how great God can work. Will update more on this another day. I'm just glad to be home. But then again, I really miss the people in Chiang Mai... They are really very friendly people. Hope I get another opportunity before army next year...

I'll be away in Chiang Mai for this week. Don't miss me.
I took the picture below with my dad's digital camera.

Trying so hard to focus on what is right. But its right there... Always pulling me back. Theres still about one more month. Time to dig in... Time to trust God with whatever measly faith that I have. I'm getting tired of always worrying... But I still can't stop.

God... you know my deepest desires. I leave them to you again... I'm trying not to pick it up again. I'm trying. Why is it that these thoughts come when I'm trying to spend more time with you? Merely distractions? Or is it something that I really want? If I really want this, wouldn't God surely provide?

It depends...

::: Lyric of the Day :::
With all of this I know now
Everything inside of my head
It all just goes to show how
Nothing I know changes me at all
Again I wait for this to change instead
To tear the world in two
Another night with her
But I'm always wanting you

Its nice being accepted... Even if they were not people you wanted to spend time with last time. Its still nice... Really thank God for them. Then again, there's still a certain level of prejudice... Mouths will talk. Especially about mistakes. Have to burn this pride... Have to get up and move on...

Anyway, I was just thinking about the youth camp again. I'm trying to identify the things that we have to do. So that everything that the church organises, we can do the same things and get the same results. And you know what? I find that this isn't the way things should work. Methods make me sick. Its like reducing God to a giant drink dispenser... Press the 'prayer' button and you get a good turnout for youth camp. But then again, this is what God promised. I just think that we should remember that He's a God that wants to have a relationship with us....

Megapraise... Something I have to journal about. A dream fulfilled? Seeing a roomful of people praising God with their entire being... I remember praying for this during one of the prayer meetings... And yet I know, this isn't it. There's more. The people we've gathered at the youth camp will help the church go higher. And then the cycle will repeat and more will come and more will grow and more will gather.

"You must deal with this first, before you can move on. Before God can say anything else..."
This wasn't spoken to me... But it made me realise why God was silent. When Pastor Daniel was praying for people, he skipped me... As if on purpose... But now I know. Its because he had no word from God about me.
But you know what the strange thing is? It doesn't mean I stop there to deal with my growth... I still felt led to pray for people and give them words. Its just God telling me... There's more if I want it. You can still be a blessing, you can still be used to a certain extent... but there's more!!!

And then the way everybody functioned. 'Like a well-tuned machine...' according to Lynette. Made me understand what the church is for. Made me understand that just because I can't do something like talk to the new friends doesn't mean I can't talk to the younger Christians. Cos I have a different purpose!

::: Verse of the Day :::
It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.
| Ephesians 4:11-13 |

Just got back from my cousin Linus' house. My family was there for a Christmas reunion thingy. I didn't talk much. Still was quite tired from the camp as well as the slam dancing yesterday at the third place. Even though I slept for almost 15 hours today. Exhausted to the max...

Anyway... The camp was a success, so to speak. 6 people received Christ and almost all the Christians re-dedicated their lives to God. I was amazed at the response. I mean, 3 PRCs on the first day is unheard of in Charis. I was brought to tears repeatedly when I saw people being touched by God... It brought back the warning that God gave me in November that if I don't pray, and things screwed up, it would be my fault. Because I already knew what I had to do. And yet at the same time, by praying, it doesn't mean that I did anything... Only allowing God to do His work... Interesting isn't it?

Its time for me to move up... Looking at Shianni, Lynette and Oon move around praying for people and giving words made me stand and take note of how much I still have to learn. Seeing how greatly God multiplied my efforts makes me want to give more and more and finally all of myself... I was sitting back watching how God was using the opportunity to touch and transform lives. This was what I was talking about. This was what I wrote on 14 March...
Felt God speaking to me when Patsy Carmaneti was sharing about the presence of God. I was asking Him 'what happened to the people who just wanted to experience your presence? What happened to just spending time with God and seeing Him do miracles and seeing people slain in the Spirit?' I saw all this when I was a young boy. Why don't I see it anymore? What happened to the carefree, unashamed display of love to God? Why am I asking all these questions? You knew of His goodness too. Ask yourself, daryl...
I feel that something needs to be done about this.

And on 7 April
Yesterday, Pastor Lee spoke about God's plan for us to have abundant life... ABUNDANT!!! Full, even till its overflowing. Not a life of depression, discontent or deception! Not a life in fear of circumstances, be it war, disease or anything like that. I sensed a difference in the way he preached. It could be seen in the way he talked and even in his eyes. It was so powerful. But when he invited those who wanted to receive this abundant life to stand. Very few people stood. It was so sad. On one hand, they're crying out for help... They're crying out to experience God. But when its put in front of them, they don't see it. I couldn't take it... I wanted to shout at them to wake up... I was crying for them all the way from Holy Communion till after the service. Prayed for them in the Spirit. I cried out to Him and asked Him open their eyes and soften their hearts. Also for Him to use me somehow to tell them of what they have as Christians! It was so disturbing when I glanced from the corner of my eye and so practically ALL the youths sitting down. It was as if they weren't listening!!! Its a burden in my Spirit. I MUST pray for them.

"Dear Lord... I thank you for everything you've been to me this past few months. I thank you that You're always there for me, even when I occasionally forget about You. Lord, I still want to be used by You. Lord, help me as I empty myself of my desires and replace them with Your supreme will for my life. Lord, I'm deeply troubled by the Spiritual state of the youth in church. But help me not to take things into my own hands. Lord, I believe that changes are taking place. Thank You Jesus. For our good and Your Glory, I pray, Amen..."

Can't you see it? Can't you see how unbelievably clearly God is working? Isn't it obvious about the direction He wants you to go? You've seen how much God can do through you when you give up this much... What if you gave up all? Wouldn't it be greater, more miraculous work?

What a week... I just got home and i'm sooo tired... Have so many things on my mind that i want to write but I'm too tired to try to recall... Its just been so eventful...

Will update tomorrow...

The start of a very hectic week coming up. Youth camp starting on monday. Tomorrow will be packed for me... Prayer at 10, Service at 11:15, Andy's practice after service, Moving of the pews, Youth camp meeting, setting up of equipment at 5:30, megapraise practice at 7. Staying over in church tomorrow night too...

I'll probably write a lot at the camp... So I'll update when I get back. There's something on my mind... but I can't place it.

Cheapthrills will be playing at the third place this friday... Thats the last day of the camp so there won't be any time for last minute practice... sigh...

Better go pack for the camp now...

Had a super long practice yesterday. Actually it was 3 seperate worship practices. Played drums for 5 hours. 5:30 to 10:30pm... It got to the point where I was sick of hearing the sound of the drums. Bleah...

Jamming with Cheapthrills later... Have new songs that we want to work on... Only 2 practices before our performance. We always seem to be rushing for gigs.

Your soul is bound to the Solitary Rose: The
Alone.

"When I wake up alone, the shades are still
drawn on the cold window pane so they cast
their lines on my bed and lines on my
face."

The Solitary Rose is associated with loneliness,
melancholy, and patience. It is governed by
the goddess Merope and its sign is The Sword,
or Unrequited Love.

As a Solitary Rose, you may be summed up as a
hopeless romantic. You desire love and have so
much love to give, but thing just never seem to
work out the way you want them to. In life,
you can be very optomistic, even when things
are gray and nothing works out to your
expectations.
What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla

I had quite a weekend... Was too tired to update though. Stayed over in church on friday night for the leaders' retreat. Had a wonderful worship on friday. When worshipping with them, its soooo easy to get in the flow! And it was like that for EVERY worship. It has to be brought over to the sunday services. Discussed plans for the new year on saturday. I'm in charge of organising one of the movie magiXS.

I wrote this during the retreat...
"Thoughts of her come back. Haven't thought about her in a while... She's overseas now I think. She messaged me to pray for her flight. Its time to move on. You can't impress a fool with wisdom... They just wouldn't know how to appreciate it. This is what frightens me... After you try so hard to be righteous, consecrated and Godly, you end up being totally irrelevant in the eyes of the world. Part of me can't bear to give it all up.

And I feel that I'm making a mess of the worship. Maybe I shouldn't have left everything to last week... Then again, I did try to organise practices. Its not as if I was slacking all the way... God, help me with this.

Consecrated or rather decided to consecrate my life last night... Not an easy task. LIVING SACRIFICE. No longer of the world... Like Paul says in Romans 12:1-2"

Practice for megapraise was actually much smoother than expected... Thank God for Shaoxiong, Joseph, Rachelle, Florence and Gerald. What a great team of musicians. Had a little tiff with Stefanie but everythings fine now... Stress can really affect people. :P

And then they started asking questions... Shows they care right? So its not that bad. Helping me keep my focus right. Some people talk too much though. Sigh... There's still something tugging at the back of my mind... Something I have to deal with. But I'm not ready...

Maybe thats why he doesn't want to take that next step. He's afraid he WON'T be able to get out of it. Cos everything else pales in comparison to the peace. So him and I are running away from the same thing actually. Maybe thats why I wake up so early every morning even though I'm quite tired...

I think I shall deal with it before the camp. I think the prayer is really starting to move things and people which is good! Praise God for that. Have to go buy food later in the afternoon. But I need to prepare worship for the megapraise worship so I shall stop here.

Mad day... Went to watch Master and Commander with Ezra, Damien and Elissa. Not too bad a show. Just quite an empty plot. The day went by quite aimlessly... Had dinner at pasta fresca. Haven't eaten there in ages! The food is still quite good...

I feel myself slipping. Actually... I know I am. Its always down to choice and I know I can choose not to... I haven't been spending enough time with God.

Bought 2 albums... Dashboard Confessionals and Blink 182's latest. Spent quite a lot already...

Yesterday's wedding dinner with my new haircut...

Went to church early to distribute the prayer bulletin for 1st service. The worship for the 1st service was good... But 2nd service was quite crappy. I felt that we were quite distracting as a band. Anyway, had youth camp meeting after church. I think I'm only just starting to do my job in getting people to pray... Had a good time of prayer with the committee... Jamming was cancelled so that freed me up to go for the busker's festival at marina square... Watched the New York Street Boys and Ash Circle (some pyro people). Their collaboration was very entertaining. Got a lift home from Elissa's mom.

Definition of Consecrate (adjective)
To make, or declare to be, sacred; to appropriate to sacred uses; to set apart, dedicate, or devote, to the service or worship of God; as, to consecrate a church; to give (one's self) unreservedly, as to the service of God.

Quite a good day... But what Shianni said to me got me thinking. Its a good thing. The issue is not whether she's right or not... Its whether I can do it or not...
You're already doing so much!
You've already changed so much!
You've aready learnt so much!

But do I want to stop there...? My mind automatically weighs the logical costs and losses if I were to do so... I know I won't NEED the things I should give up. Not an easy decision. Usually when things like these happen, it means God really wants your attention. A nudge to wake me up, so to speak. I must not fall behind... Class is almost over. This one year is almost up...

Its not easy... Need prayer. Need to think and talk to God. Its not as far as you think. Only a choice away...
Oh man, what a choice...

What a long day... Tiring but enjoyable nonetheless. Woke up early.. 8-ish cos Andy would pick me up from home to go to East Coast. Had a wild time at the beach playing soccer. Went for a jog with Andy and Nathan also while the rest of them went kayaking. Jogged even though i hadn't fully recovered from my overworked abs. I'm still not 100% fit. Still have a long way to go before I can be fit enough for my IPPT... Cheers to the both of them for all the encouragement.

We're drifting apart. Maybe it was coming all along. Maybe its just because of the circumstances. Maybe its because of different goals. I guess it was a long time coming. Or is it just me? Am I distancing myself? I don't know. Fact is, I feel left out... Maybe they are mutually exclusive. Either one or the other. Too bad I guess.

Finished up the prayer bulletin in church just now. Thanks to Raymond, Elissa, Rachelle and Ezra who helped with the suggestions, editing, printing and folding of the bulletins... Thank God for them. Couldn't have finished it without them.

It seems more real now that I think about it. More of a possiblity. More likely. But God has a wacky sense of humour. He keeps telling me... The more I want something, the more I have to let it go. My desire, His direction, His timing, His plan...

Its weird... I talk to people about God and I myself still try to grasp and understand Him.

Body aching right now. Overdid my gym session. I think the inclined sit-ups did the trick. My abs are so tight now that I can't stand straight. But I guess its true when they say, 'No pain, no gain'.

Have so many things to do during the weekend. I shall list them here so that I can get my head straight.

1. Finish up prayer bulletin. Write an article and insert article from Ben. Print the bulletin by saturday.
2. Inform musicians of practice dates for Youth Camp.
3. Playing for Dale for prayer meeting tomorrow. Hafta confirm the songs with him.
4. Practice with Raymond for Leaders' Retreat tomorrow. Playing guitar.
5. Playing drums for Sunday service worship.
6. Youth Camp Meeting after church on Sunday.
7. Jamming on Sunday

Just some of the things I have to do. Spent a bit of of today doing number one on the list. Cos thats the most urgent right now. Feel very excited about what prayer can do after attending Rhema again. It is what makes things move forward... The 'fuel' so to speak.

::: Quote of the Day :::
If you screw up, I'll hold you responsible. Because you know what you have to do already.

I should go to sleep soon... Accompanying Andy to Rhema Bible College later. I can't wait!

Spent much of the day at home... Supposed to go to the gym but I didn't. So I went for a jog instead. Met up with Shen for supper... Talked about the band. We didn't get selected for D-Trash... Its a gig. I have a hunch that it isn't because of our standard. Just too bad I guess...

A work to do in prayer. There is so much to pray for... I must take the time to pray... I must be bothered! I cannot sit back anymore. Shall pray before I go to sleep... Goodnight.

::: Verse of the Day :::
A voice says, "Cry out."
And I said, "What shall I cry?"
"All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field.
The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the LORD blows on them. Surely the people are grass.
The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever."
| Isaiah 40: 6-8 |

Good evening world... Went for my NS medical examination today. Wore a T-shirt, shorts and my spectacles... Haven't worn my spectacles out of the house in years... I think i look just weird. Hahaha... Everything went quite smoothly. Got assigned to Pes A, which means I'm a healthy young man who is going to be used and taken advantage of by the country...
My dad waited more than 3 hours for me in the carpark. So sweet. I love him... :P

Went for Leaders' meeting just now... Spoke out about how aimless I thought the meeting was. Andy had to 'translate' it into something milder for the older folk to understand. I think there's way too much talking and not enough action. But I'm just a little punk from the youth ministry. My words don't carry weight. Oh well...

Had a great time in church today... Good worship, good sermon, good lunch and good practice after church. People starting to ask questions on why i'm playing almost every other week. Because I can? Because I want to? Because its one of the few things that I'm actually have some potential in. And I want to use it to serve God... Hope people don't see it any other way... (eg. For pride or recognition)

Went to the town (Marina Square & Boat Quay) for the busker's festival... Got a life there in YongXi's truck... Now I know what the illegal foreign workers feel like... Not a very comfortable ride but it got us there... Had a generally enjoyable experience, but the best performances were at boat quay... 'DynaMike', 'Ettienne' and a percussion group called 'The New York Street Boys'... Really put a smile on my face... Was initially disturbed because Eileen and her boyfriend stopped by at Marina Square. I wrote the following after she left...

Tiring but I feel slightly better now... Felt like curling up and lying down. For 10 minutes after she left, I felt breathless and disgusted... Thoughts like, 'she looks better with him' and 'maybe they are more suitable for each other physically.' came to mind...
Yucks... I just wish that I never knew her. Then it wouldn't be so difficult. Its the association with her, the thought that, 'she used to be mine' which drives me crazy. It really disgusts me, sort of like seeing someone purposely cut themseves or harm themselves. Its just not natural... but after a certain point of time, you cannot help but not care anymore.... I think I'm getting there. There's only so much I can do...

I shall stop soon...

I'm home... Just a quick entry cos I want to watch Wales vs. Russia on TV... The gig went alright... I felt like a lao jiao at that gig. Cos there were a lot of newbie bands there... I've got the registration forms and we are most probably joining for next months gig. I just realised that the band I helped out was quite big... We were representing the Aljunied Community Centre and Town Council as their 'house band'. Got quite a few compliments from the audience... People I didn't know. What an ego-boost...

Remember your priority and your focus.

Enjoyed myself at East Coast this morning... Blading was super tiring. I think its cos I've not bladed for more than a year? My calf muscles were burning after only 15 minutes of blading... Almost died... hahaha... But managed to get through that torturous one hour. Played captain's ball with the rest of them. Lost the game 5-4... then received an sms from michael at 1:15pm that the practice was at 1:30pm.. So I took a cab down to kaki bukit road... Reached at 2pm.. and only one person was there... ROAR!! Waited till 3-ish before everyone arrived... They're a fun bunch to hang out with.. Love the free beer! Hahaha.

Good morning world... Woke up early today to go to East Coast Park.. Weird thing is, thats where we were last night... Went there after House of Healing. There's a new band at BFD. They're really good... They sound fuller than the previous band that played there. Had a beer and went for a walk down the park... Had a good time singing nonsense pop songs... We walked to this pier thingy. Had an unrestricted view of the sky when you walked out to the sea. It was beautiful... Just made me feel like singing praises to God. So thats what we did... And He was really close.

The rabbit hole runs deep. As much I would like to avoid getting involved with the politics, its always better knowing more about people from certain views. Of course you don't base your judgement on one person's opinion. Cos that wouldn't be fair. But things like these help paint a more accurate picture of what a person truly is.

Some things are better left mentioned only in prayer...

::: Lyric of the Day :::
I was born in Omaha
Born to steal her skeptic heart
My piano fingers, tugging at the chord
Cause life in a bubble can be
The sweetest thing sometimes
With the world just passing by
Outside your window
Dream over...
Dream over...
Dream over...

Thinking day...

Its none of my business. I don't know whether either of them are telling the truth so I cannot make any judgements about them. I don't even feel like praying for them. I want to be selfish... But I cannot. Gotta go read my 21 powerful minutes now.

The verses below are some strong stuff. In short, the gap is caused by us walking away from Him... Not by Him turning away from us.

::: Verses of the Day :::
CAUSE
Surely the arm of the LORD is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear.
But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear.
For your hands are stained with blood, your fingers with guilt. Your lips have spoken lies, and your tongue mutters wicked things.

EFFECT
So justice is far from us, and righteousness does not reach us. We look for light, but all is darkness; for brightness, but we walk in deep shadows.
Like the blind we grope along the wall, feeling our way like men without eyes. At midday we stumble as if it were twilight; among the strong, we are like the dead.
| Isaiah 59:1-3 & 9-10 |

Ouch... I have this huge gash on my shoulder now. I was looking for the book '21 important minutes in a leaders day'. I was looking in my dad's bookshelf and I spotted it at the top shelf. So i brought the chair over and stood on it to get the book. As I was going up, my shoulder connected with the edge of the glass door of the bookshelf... hard. The cut was the thickness of the glass. The flesh split open... Thank God its not as painful as it looks... Mom prayed for me after I got the book down. Think she was 'hurting' more than me... :P
I just peeled off the plaster... The adhesive was on the wound. My bro just helped me change the dressing to a bigger one... He says the wound is very big. Suggested that I go see a doctor to stitch it up. Don't feel like going... Not very keen about stitches. I think I'll be fine. Praying that the wound closes...

Spent the day painting another banner with Andy and Elissa... Cos the previous one was ruined by the rain on Sunday. Going to do the second coat tomorrow. Hope it turns out well.

Went for practice with the band i'm sessioning for. It went pretty well I guess. The songs are quite simple so the main thing I have to work on is consistency. The people are quite funny... They're like how I think some of my friends will be 10 years down. Had a few beers at the kopitiam nearby after the practice. Discovered that Michael is part of some committee for youth activities... This opens a big lobang for organising future gigs... Haha. Anyway, the gig is this saturday evening at 7pm... It will be held opposite Paya Lebar Methodist Girls School at some park. We'll be having last minute practice on the day itself. Opening band somemore.. Haha!!!

Haven't stayed home for quite a while already. So logically I haven't managed to update either... I found out that there are actually people who read my blog... Its never stopped me from writing from the heart so I don't think it'll affect me.

So anyway, Sunday was a strange day... Reverend Patsy Carmeneti spoke again. As usual, she spoke with so much compassion... Really feel God's love radiating from her...
I quote... "the look in her eyes was so compassionate. once she looked at me i started crying"
Why is that so? Because she understands? Or because of the love she shows? I think when we meet Christ, there will be no dry eyes... He's holiness will ensure that... Feelings of unworthiness + Feelings of being loved = tears.

Worship was alright I guess... Need to start recording practice sessions cos I'm starting to forget breaks and sequences. Kah Lok advised me after the service to get heavier sticks cos he couldn't hear my snare. I think I'll just do more push ups... Haha.

Yesterday I was asked my michael from my brother's cell to session for some band on saturday. Some charity thing going on... The thing is the songs are a bit.. erm... OLD. But shouldn't be a problem. Just hope the band isn't like those I've seen at SMU or the Street Fest along Orchard Road. Practice will be tomorrow evening at Wee Lee Aljunied... Haven't been there awhile though.

Watched Matrix Revolutions yesterday with Shaoxiong, Joshua, Nathan, Patricia, Gloria and Florence... I found it very interesting but kinda spoilt by Shaoxiong who kept giggling at certain parts of the show. I wanna watch Reloaded and Revolutions again so that I can understand it better. I think I'll download it... heheheh

Today... was a weird day. Saw Eileen at TP... Strange that we should bump into her... Anyway, it was her last day of exams today. She's been asking me to pray for her. So she must be relieved that her exams are over. Anyway, Andy and I were there to meet up with Nathan. Had lunch together and then did quiet time as Andy talked with Nathan. Asked God what He wanted me to do for this phase... now that I'm somewhat over the breakup.

Had a weird dream last night... Had this guy's neck in a arm lock. Almost strangling him. I think I caught him doing something wrong. Feel like poking someone to death now.

Advice... We choose who to take it from. Right? But you know whats sick? When we know someone who has the most sensible advice and we avoid that person totally. Ignorance is bliss? Then why do you still come running when your world is falling apart? Why do you come running when things fall to pieces? Cos thats what He did for me. Just like the way I ran to Him when I had exhausted all other possibilities. And do I keep listening? This requires selflessness... Something that I haven't gotten rid of yet.

::: Verse of the Day :::
Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of the wicked, for the evil man has no future hope, and the lamp of the wicked will be snuffed out.
| Proverbs 24:19-20 |

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The moon shy behind clouds
Shining on this poor fool
Walking along the cracked pavement
Similar to the way you walked over my cracked heart
These symbols prove nothing
only that you reign over me.

This black and white won't last forever
Give me back my vision in colour
Scream into the deaf ears of a lover
But you don't hear me, do you?
You don't hear me...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Awakening released the band list for Stasis 6... We're not in. Disappointed at the way this was handled... We weren't informed that we wouldn't be in. Nevermind...

Been helping Elissa with her publicity stuff for Youth Camp... Buying paint yesterday and painting the banner today. Must remember to do my own worship stuff... Have to organise the people into groups. I should be able to do it by friday...

Went back to school for the SIP debrief and FYP briefing... The groupings will be out soon... I hope I don't get too lousy a group. Other than that, I should be able to enjoy the rest my 'holidays' till school starts...

I'm feeling something really strange... Satisfied and yet longing for something more. I can't put my finger on it...

Today was one of those days where you could be comfortable with yourself. Really thank God for that....
Drummed for service and then again for practice for next week...
High in demand?
Its nothing to be proud of.
Serving God in the few ways I know how to.

Have to start the prayer wave. Got reminded by Shianni of my 'purpose'. Reminded of the excitement of seeing God work. Have some questions to answer too...

Its coming! You can feel it in your gut.

Friday and saturday were extremely long days. Hung out with Andy before meeting Nathan, Joel & Elissa to watch Ong Bak... The movie about Muay Thai or Thai Boxing. Quite a good show. After that we went to eat Chiang Mai Laksa at Meridian Hotel's food court. Then we went to the arcade. Played Time Crisis 2... My favourite arcade game. Completed it on one credit again. Played Daytona and then this flight simulator thing. Flying an airplane is a piece of cake!!! Also played this sniper game. Andy and Joel left halfway so Nathan, Elissa & I wandered along Orchard road before deciding to sit at Starbucks at Paragon... Started talking about lots of crap. Relationships and things like that. Went to Simpang with Nathan to meet up with the kem gang... Only got home around 2-ish...

Played soccer on saturday afternoon. 3 a side with Matt, Song, Nathan, Thomson, Melvin and myself. Its been quite a while since I've played soccer. Really felt unfit. But still very fun! CG was quite good... Led worship. Just came home from supper... Got called a piece of shit.

Advice seems easier to give than to carry out. But I want to make sure that I only talk about things that I can do. Gotta go sleep soon.. Playing for service...

So when you're feeling depressed, we're supposed to care? When your 'world' crumbles, we're supposed to feel sorry for you? How do you expect me to feel compassion for you when you go around making fun of others. Oh so you're perfect? You have no flaws? If someone said something about you, you'd be moody for days. Yet you go around dissing others. Giving your opinion where its not needed. Please. Do us all a favour. Stop looking at yourself and your petty little problems. Intelligence does not signify maturity. Stop whining. Grow up...

I'm not in a bad mood. I'm not angry. Understand me. These are my thoughts. They have no emotional effect on me at all. Learn and move on. If it isn't relevant, thats great. Move on. Move on.

Went back to SMU today. Had nice talk with Ai Chee and later on with Kelvin. Think they are really genuine people. Wanted me to learn. Bought them each a thank you card. Hope my handwriting is readable enough... Went to the 3rd place with matt & rudy. Voideck wants to hold a gig there... Quite exciting. But cheapthrills might not be playing for that gig. Already have 2 in December. Been working on new songs too. New tunes to let Rudy and Joshua play around with. I'm sleepy... Going to bed.

Wow... Just finished watching 'Phone Booth' on my computer. Quite a short movie but packed with brutal honesty about life, love and lies. A sadistic view of how good things come from bad situations. Colin Farrell was excellent in portraying those emotions. I was really hooked into the movie.

To make the best of a bad situation is not always easy. Deciding to live right doesn't mean everything falls into place immediately. There's still the period where you have to clean up your past. Or at least prove that you're really changing for the better, and not just acting on some stupid whim. Shame on us who try to put down those who are trying. Even if they don't or can't carry it through. Give them some bloody respect for trying. What is the basis of our cynicism anyway? Could we do any better? If we have, are we afraid that someone might be better at it then us?

Handed in my report already. Feel a sense of relief. Know that I can concentrate on doing my own things now. But then again. In His service, there needs to be less of me. Already can see it starting to happen. I don't mind. Its a privilege...

Yes its late... Finishing up the last parts of my report. Left with the recommendations. Shouldn't be a problem to finish it by 2-ish? Have to go school at 10 to bind the report and hand it in...

I'm proud of myself. It doesn't affect me anymore. She doesn't affect me anymore. Realised certain things. Not someone I'd want to spend forever with anymore. Its kinda sad. But choices have been made. Too bad...

Well... back to my report!!

::: Lyric of the Day :::
A little hurt
I'm alright
I'm not gonna wait for you tonight

I'm at the stage
I'm sure
I'm not gonna wait for you anymore

Ran away
It's alright
I'm walking away from you tonight

I'm on the stage
I'm sure
I'm not gonna look at you anymore
The same

What a day!!! Woke up early to prepare for preservice prayer. Found too many verses. Quite anxious as I was waiting to go speak but everything went smoothly. Thinking back, I've decided that I need to slow down myself when speaking under stress. So that I can be clearer and be understood better. Like I always tell people... I'm a better writer than a speaker.

Worship wasn't very good. The band was quite distracting, but I managed to focus on worshipping Him. I think the bass and the acoustic guitar were out of tune. And the drums were spasmic. Speaker today was from Korea. Had a cute accent. Talked about different types of teachings in church. For example, those who only speak of blessings, or those who speak the wrong topic to the wrong congregation. He's very dynamic and passionate about what he believes it. Speaks with fervor. Can't tell if you meet him on the street though.

Had a blood donation drive in church. This was my second time donating. Felt fine all the way until the nurse took the needle from my vein and pressed a piece of cotton wool to my arm. A few minutes after that it felt that the room was getting hotter. And I started to feel very hungry. Like a void in my stomach. Then, I started to feel nauseated. Thats when Eugene came and asked me something about my band. I couldn't comprehend what he was saying cos I was feeling damn uncomfortable. Started breaking out in cold sweat. Then I heard him say, 'Eh.. You ok or not? You want me to get the nurse?"
Just as I said yes, my vision started getting blur. You know when your television has no reception, the white noise you see on the screen...? Thats all I saw before the nurse came and elevated my feet. Felt better after 15 minutes. But it was quite an experience.

Went for band practice after that. Managed to play even with the MASSIVE BLOOD LOSS! Hahaha... Practice was good. Ended at 5pm. Then I joined the rest of the leaders in the conference room for GG meeting... Had a wonderful time of worship. I want to worship like that with the whole service. It was AMAZING... It was so strong. Just like what I remember in old church camps. We're getting there!!!

Had dinner at parkway parade. Joined some others at Burger King to chit chat... Went to buy new strings for my electric guitar. Spent $10.50 on them.
Gotta finish my report and hand it in by wednesday. I want to finish it and hand it in on tuesday... I'll continue with it when I wake up later...

::: Quote of the Day :::
Rebuilding trust is always more difficult than starting from scratch.

Manchester United lost 3-1 at home... Sick...

Have to go up to talk speak on the pulpit tomorrow. Preservice prayer... I think I can do it.

Feeling slightly depressed but I'll be fine. Had a discussion with Dale's CG about whether God prepares a single partner for each of us. Shared with them what I've learnt over the months of 'research' that I've done reading up on topics like this.

::: Quote of the Day :::
I can only be the best I can be... No more.
Hopefully it'll be enough...

I had a good day today. Something happened just before I ended work which made me quite happy. :) Its been awhile... But its not time... But its still quite cool that it happened... Sorry that I have to be vague. Anyway, jamming was excellent. New ideas were flowing like water... Even came up with a nice part for a song during our free jam... Really moving to another level as a band. And all this in our first jamming session! Going into band dynamics and how to improve the song. This is so exciting! Probably going to the airport to spend time with God tomorrow. I know I'm going to have a good time tomorrow as well!

Work was incredibly long but its all over now... But I heard bad news when I came home. Mummy's going to England... cos Uncle Wah Ong passed away... I was shocked and a bit angry when I heard it. Shocked at how sudden it was. Angry because I had no idea of what he was going through till today. So sad... Apparently, Auntie Lucy has taken it quite badly.

How do you answer her questions? What is there to say? What explaination can you give?
'He didn't know of God's healing?'
Is it fair to say that? Or simply blame God for it? Even though you didn't rely on Him in the first place? Is it fair? Would you even listen now? Probably not...
We are here. We love you. He is with you. He loves you.

::: Lyric of the Day :::
Take, take 'til there's nothing
Nothing to turn to
Nothing when you get through
Won't you break
Scatter pieces of all I've been
Bowing to all I've been
Running to
Where are you?
Where are you?

Did you leave me unbreakable?
Leave me frozen?
I've never felt so cold
I thought you were silent
I thought you left me
For the wreckage and the waste
On an empty beach of faith
Was it true?

Scream
Deeper, I wanna scream
I want you to hear me
I want you to find me
I, I want to believe
But all I pray is wrong
And all I claim is gone

Yes, I, I got a question
I got a question
Where are you?

Today was one of the slowest days ever... I suspect tomorrow, being my last day here in SMU, will be the worst. I've started on my SIP report already and I want to finish it by this sunday. Hopefully I can. I've really been looking forward to the end of attachment. Then I'll be able to focus more on my work in the XS committee and also on my band. Have to start preparing for Stasis V in December.

I think I might have a phobia of having too high expectations of something. I wonder if there's a term for it. Its like I don't dare to wait to eagerly for an event. Maybe its because I had the biggest letdown of my life last year? Whatever the case, I must remember to keep my focus. I must remember my goal and I must keep striving towards it. Cos if I lose that, I lose meaning in life.

Went to watch Singapore Vs. Palestine at Jalan Besar Stadium just now. Nice stadium, nice crowd, LAME MATCH. It ended 0-0... I think the some of the supporters were more entertaining than the players on the field. They come up with 'smart' things to say to the players, the referee, the linesmen. Singapore's soccer is a sad case. I was telling Gerald & Andy after the match. Goal 2010 can kiss my backside...

From backsides to prayer... Lynette asked me to do pre-service prayer for this sunday... About youth camp. Nervous as usual. Must prepare... I think I'll do that on friday morning when I go to Changi Airport to spend time with God. I want to write the 2nd half of my poem as well. Gotta go sleep soon... Manchester Vs. Rangers tonight at 2 plus... Dunno whether I should wake up to watch...

::: Quote of the Day :::
Is it not strange that desire should so many years outlive performance?
|Shakespeare|

::: Lyric of the Day :::
I'm not scared that I will tire of her
She takes me out into the beautiful love
I'm not sure just what it means
From a whisper to a scream

I get scared that she will tire of me
Tell a lie and break my heart into three
I'm not sure just what it means
From a whisper to a scream

I'm not scared now when I walk through the storm
I'll come home and I'll find strength in your arms
I'm not sure just what I mean
From a whisper to a scream

I'm not scared now when I'm having to leave
I'll come home and I'll find strength when I breathe
I'm not sure just where I've been
From a whisper to a scream

Its always like that isn't it? You make a decision and things start to 'distract' you again. Let me put it here so that I can keep reminding myself.
NO!
Keep your balance and your focus.

You could say its just an invitation as a friend. But no...
Its nice to be invited... But no...
Its nice to be remembered... But no...
No...
NO...

Here's something disturbing that I came across in the news...
From 1997 to 2001, 20 primary school pupils jumped to their deaths, according to a study of unnatural deaths among children under the age of 13.

Yikes... What a statistic! Especially during what is supposed to be the most fun in a person's life. Childhood.

It’s another chapter in my life. The previous one has come to a close. It’s probably a good thing. Looking back, it is weird to see how someone who I treasured so much could have caused me so much pain. That’s how it works I guess. In loving someone, you open up your heart and are susceptible to all kinds of emotions.

Was I wrong in opening up my heart to love her?
I seriously don’t think so. I mean if after 2 years you still can’t be sure about whether your partner is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with then what’s the point in continuing the relationship?

Could I have been better in the relationship?
Of course. There were many things I shouldn’t have done and many more things I should have done but didn’t. I think as with every other aspect of my life, I should have placed him first.

So what happens now?
I think the biggest ongoing struggle for me is stopping myself from worrying about my future partner. Many times I’ve wondered, the relationship with her was so beautiful. Will I ever have another one like it? Is it possible to have a miracle like that happen again? Let’s just say, I’m trying my best to trust Him to make it happen.

Where do I go from here?
I really don’t have a clue. I’m just aiming towards the existing route which God has planned for me. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do after I’ve reached there. But I’m not worried. That’s still 5 years away. Maybe along the way, I’ll meet someone who’s right for me.

::: Lyric of the Day :::
I walked this bridge
and I've called your name
And you always hear me cry
I rested long enough to pray
And I've heard you answer me
I've heard you answer

So tired, so slow, forgive me
But the road you walk
It breaks my heart

I kick, I scream, frustrated
But your faithfulness
It stands by me

This post is dedicated to Jon Chan.
Take care man...
Plain Sunset... Amazing... Almost 10 years as a band and still going strong. Saw a lot of familiar faces yesterday at the gig. Faces that I recognise from 4 years ago when I used to frequent Youth Park. Difference now is that they know my name. Haha.
Anyways, the moshing was excellent... Haven't moshed like that since I dunno when. Really enjoyed myself. Met up with Joshua to talk about him sessioning for the band. Think all we need is a jamming session to see if we can click... Met Maha at Cineleisure just before the gig also. Managed to break the news about the band to him already. Feel a bit bad about it. Hope he doesn't feel too bad.

Woke up this morning with a slight neckache from the strain of the moshing yesterday. Played guitar for service... Worship is getting better. Trying to break barriers now. To get people to stop holding back. Its working. Have to continue doing it...

Might be going down to play soccer if I'm not too tired... I think I shall go rest awhile first...
This week will be the last week of attachments. After submitting my report, I'll be free!!! YEAH!

Thank You God for helping me stop the maddening emotions. I know its not by my strength. Cos when I don't spend enough I can feel them seeping back. Thank you that I will always have you to turn to. Even when people or situations are against me, help me not to compromise. Amen...

Wow... One of the days I won't easily forget. Went to some charity dinner thingy at Hyatt hotel after work. Food wasn't too bad... First course was bread and butter. (Don't laugh!) Then we had some fusion looking dish... Tuna and avarcado with a tortilla chip... hahaha. Later on there was a chicken dish. Already started to feel quite full at this dish. don't ask me why. I think after that was dessert already. Hahaha. The more you pay for a meal, the less they give you to eat. Haha! What I really enjoyed was the live jazz music towards the later portion of the night. A very comfortable 3 piece jazz band provided accompanyment for the several singers. A bassist (loved his bass... It had no head and a small body), a drummer (complete with brushes and smokey cymbals) and a keyboardist. Most of the singers were alright but Wendi Koh was very good. But later on when Dessy 'something' came on stage to sing, I was amazed. When she was introducing herself, I thought she would be another 'alright' singer. But when she started singing, I was blown away. She was quite small in size (midget sized) and I was wondering, "Where does the vocals come from?"

But I guess the highlight of my day was when President Nathan was taking his leave from the banquet hall. As he was walking past my table, he stepped towards me and streched out his hand. I was amazed as I shook his hand. Like wow... How cool is that man! Hahahaa... Must remember to thank Ai Chee for the dinner. It was an extremely enjoyable night for me.

Been encouraged this whole day. Managed to get through 3 days without reminscing about her also!!! This is so fun! Was talking to God while walking home. Praying for other people now. Feel more effective now... Must keep relying on God for the strength cos I know it'll be very easy to start stumbling again.

::: Verse of the Day :::
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
|Isaiah 43:18-19|

Woke up at 6:30 this morning... Wanted to try doing QT in the morning. Got out of bed, walked to the table to get my bible, went back to my bed, opened the bible to Isaiah and fell asleep. Hahaha.. Really very tired... I'll try to sleep earlier tonight. Going to meet Ben, Pat and Gloria later at city hall... Should be fun. Maybe buying guitar strings also... super slinkies!!

I was reading through my testimonials on friendster and this one really cracks me up.
daryl... one of the coolest kid back in sec school... funny as hell, crapster and all... hahahhaa he's a great chap to begin with with amazing drumming talent... keep up the good drumming thingy man... and rock on... music is life!
In secondary school I was a nerd!! Hahaha... Fauzi is full of crap...

The rest of the testimonials have been really encouraging. I guess this is one of the ways to see how you really affect people. Of course, it could just be a way to get me to write you a nice testimonial. HAHA...

I've decided already... Dunno how long it'll last but I've made the decision. I'm serious about this. I wonder how it feels to not have my life revolving around her for the first time in 3 years. No more whining, no more tears, no more hazy thoughts. Gosh... I can't remember the last time I thought so clearly.

:::Lyric of the Day:::

here i'm in between darkness and light bleached and blinded by these nights where im tossing and tortured til dawn by you, visions of you then youre gone the shock lifts the red from my face when i hear someone's taking my place how could love be so thoughtless, so cruel when all, all that i did was for you i break in two over you i break in two and each piece of me dies and only you can give the breath of life but you dont see me you dont..

You might be just what I need No I would not change a thing Been dreaming of this so long But we only exist in this song The thing is, I'm not worth the sorrow And if you come and meet me tomorrow I will hold you down, fold you in Deep, deep, deep in the fiction we live I break in two over you I break in two And if a piece of you dies Autumn, I will bring you back to life Of course I see you I do.

Went to look for at phones after work. Wanted to get Nokia's N-gage. Only thing was, the 128 MB memory card cost about $150. Thats what the guy at the Nokia said. Didn't actually get to see the card. Dale's advice was to get a good but cheaper phone and a seperate MP3 player. I don't need the MP3 player. Just thought it would be good to have the combination of the 2...

I'm about to let go...
It is possible.
You've gone so far and I'm now only starting to turn away.
You could say that its for the best
but I think you put it to death...

::: Quote of the Day :::
It was like some sort of ointment... soothing over the pain for awhile. But you knew it'd wouldn't last. Maybe only for those 3 or 4 hours.

Feeling better now. Finding my balance again. This is getting old… Time to take off these shackles. Don’t want to keep getting dragged down. You keep saying that you’re going to stop and how this is going to be the last time. Will it? Just got to keep on trying I guess… Just have to keep pressing on.

Looking for educational web portals. Can’t seem to find many…Just some random nonsense that I came across while doing research.
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet & when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. We propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat sandwich array, a high-speed monorail would easily link Singapore to the rest of the world.

::: Quote of the Day :::
But to some girls, it's about finding someone who understands you and values you.
When the Christian is not focused on God, then the person who is understanding does not have to know God right?

It feels as if the walls are closing in. I'm only satisfied when I'm playing for Him. Other times I'm reduced to a vegetable. Whats the use of trying so hard if there isn't anything to gain? I'm so sick of feeling this and yet I can't stop. Where's the switch? Why can't I be selfish? Why do I have to wait? What am I waiting for? I just want to move on. I just want to hate her. It'll be so much easier.

No one owes you anything... Be honest with yourself Daryl. She was young and she didn't know what she was doing. She may have meant it at the time. But its comparable to a child wanting a new toy. Then throwing it away after awhile. She doesn't give a shit. Why do you care so much? The worst thing is... after so much whining and complaining. I'll still yearn for her tomorrow. Its been like this for a year. I really hope something good is coming from all this.

::: Lyric of the Day :::
Breathe, trust, bless me and release
Climb, hard or never be seen
Closed off rescue to breathe
Just bless me

Closure has come to me, myself
You will never belong to me

Like a leech
I hold on as if we belonged
To some precious pure dream
Cast off you've seen what's beneath
Now fail me

Forget closure... Forget closure... Forget closure... Forget closure...

It was a good day... Till I heard about their surprise birthday plan for her, from her... I won't deny.. I was pissed. Why do they get to do special things for her. How come I don't? And how come they're still telling me to keep away?

When I got home to complain to God about it, I barely spent 10 minutes on my bed before I realised how selfish I was. I've been praying so much that she comes back to church and just because I don't get to share her birthday with her, I get angry? Shows how selfish I can be. My thinking has to change.

Spent the day with the guys. Went for a gig at the park near the esplanade... Ska, Hip-hop, acoustic guitar, then killer punk rock. Met Nurul, Fad and two of her friends. *winks*
Left for Fish & Co. after Shoe Size Nine's set. About 18 of us at the dinner... Would have been 20 but two guys had to leave for a birthday party. Talked until 9:40... Then made our way to Plaza Singapura to catch 'Underworld'. Interesting show. The vampires were quite similar to those in Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles. Found it weird how only the first werewolf disintegrated when shot with the silver bullet. Ah well...

::: Lesson of the Day :::
Just because things don't turn out the way you want them to, doesn't mean its not for the best.

Good morning world.. Yes its 3 am in the morning... Just got back from the playground with Matt, Ziig, Pam & Aaron. Hanging out, playing guitar, drinking vodka, talking nonsense basically... Saw John Chan from Plain Sunset, Sonic Edge Band, Surreal... He was walking home, but agreed to sit down and talk to us. He's a really nice guy... Down to earth, sensible and accepting... I really respect him. We were talking like old friends... He even performed a plain sunset song for us. Hahah... Only downside was that Pam & Aaron were somewhat drunk...

I really had a great time. The thought of sharing the stage with plain sunset in December excites me to no end.

Blink 182's new album is coming soon... Hope its good... Click on the 'play' button on the left to listen to the latest single. :)

Went for dinner with Ziig, Matt & Jean yesterday. Katong Laksa!!! After that we went back to our 'headquarters'... The playground... to talk. Settled some things about the band. We've kinda decided that if cheapthrills was to go anywhere, we'd need a lineup change. Hope they'll be able to take the news... :-(
Its kinda exciting thinking about jamming and performing with the new members. Hopefully we'll be able to fulfill what we want now. I get shivers just thinking about it... Need to start practising soon... Big gig coming up in December...

::: Quote of the Day :::
Where i want to be and where i am... Depends on how far we're apart...

Avoid? Like a disease? Like a plague? They mean well. But I'm not going to be ashamed that I like her.
Stay silent? Yes!
Emotionless? No.
Feelings are one thing, actions are another. I'm trying to do the right thing by not doing anything.

I must believe, where I cannot prove. Prayer is simply faith and when faith ceases to pray, it ceases to live.
I must obey.

Yet faith is called upon, and that right often to wait in patience before God, and is prepared for God's seeming delays in answering prayer. Faith does not grow disheartened because prayer is not immediately honoured; it takes God at His Word, and lets Him take what time He chooses in fulfilling His purposes, and in carrying on His work -- Knowing there will be delays in answering prayer, and regards such delays as times of testing, in the which, it is privileged to show its mettle,and the stern stuff of which it is made.

Doubts should never be cherished, nor fears harboured. Let none cherish the delusion that he is a martyr to fear and doubt. It is no credit to any man's mental capacity to cherish doubt of God, and no comfort can possibly derive from such a thought. Our eyes should be taken off self, removed from our own weakness and allowed to rest implicitly upon God's strength.

::: Verse of the Day :::
For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge;
And to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness;
And to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.
For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.
|2 Peter 1:5-9|

My theory for how long a day appears to be seems to be right. Ever since ShaoXiong messaged me to go Gelare tonight, time has been slowed to a standstill. Maybe also because Chris isn't here today. I wonder what happened to her.Been trying to finish minor changes to the website, but I keep getting distracted. I think I should be done now.

Lynette made me think a lot yesterday. About humans being selfish creatures. I agree with her on that. But she said something about how we should be totally submissive. I agree again with her on this. We should! The world will be a better place if we all were more selfless.
This is me reasoning with myself. I'm not sure if I'm right about this. Don't quote me.
My question is, is desire so wrong? How do you stop desire? Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying its impossible. Its just that I can't get my mind around it. Why would God give us the ability to desire and then ask us to give it all up? Or maybe it isn't giving it all up. Maybe its giving God your desires. Is it the same thing? Something else for me to learn when I figure it out.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Another day, another emotion. But its nothing I haven't felt before.
And I remember what you said and I remember how you said goodbye.
So I'll stay silent and quiet and I'll wait for my reward.

So this story stays open ended.
I rather you closed me off, but you left me hanging.
So I won't stay here and stay tempted
You know I try, You know I try!!!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Good evening world... Today's been a good day. Played guitar for worship. Still have quite a lot to improve in my play, but I think its good experience. :) Pastor gave a good sermon today. The hymn he shared was really touching. I'll try to get the lyrics.
Hung around with Xiong and Pat in the sanctuary after lunch. Talked a lot of nonsense. Helped out Cedric with some drumming techniques. Somehow got asked by Shianni to play the acoustic guitar for their band. I guess i should take it as a compliment... Hee. Jammed on the drums after the practice. Think I've gotten some sort of double pedaled drum solo down. Shall practice more when I get the opportunity.

After practice the whole group of us(15 of us I think) went to Parkway Parade. Had dinner at Burger King. Sat there chatting with them till 9-ish... Talked about all sorts of things ranging from music genres and church bands to students studying in cafes and starting up a studying cafe. A studying cafe... Where students pay a small fee to stay in the cafe for the whole day to study. :P Haha.. Anyway, really enjoyed my day with the 'young adults'. Now I feel all grown up! Haha...

20 more days till the end of attachment. Can hardly wait... What am I looking forward to? I have no clue. More time to spend with God?

::: Lyric of the Day :::
Let me in to see you in the morning light,
to get me on and all along the tears they come
see all come

I want you to believe in life
but I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted all the time
I wish I could be every little thing you wanted all the time
Some times

Albums to buy...
Dashboard Confessional - "A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar"
Brand New - "Deja Entendu" & "Your Favourite Weapon"
The Ataris - "So Long, Astoria" & "End Is Forever"

Hello world.. Been messing around with my blog template. Think I'm ready to move on to a new look. I changed the color of my blog cos the old one was giving me sore eyes. Haha... I was getting more depressed the nearer it got to the end of work just now. Weird isn't it? Most people look forward to the weekend. I guess it just reminds me for how 'alone' i am. Thank God for Matt & Jean though... Met them at Kembangan. They invited me to go Orchard. Didn't want to go at first cos I'd feel 'extra'. But it was better than sulking at home... We had dinner at Burger King. Laughed at a group of 16 'Ang Mors' cos they were crowded round a table for 4. I think only 3 of them were eating.
Met SueAnn and then later met Brandon. So fun to see old friends. Made our way to Borders to look for CDs... Met Brandon again. Went to Far East Plaza to look at T-shirts. Bought a $120 atticus hoodie. There goes my pocket money. Matt bought a further seems forever T-shirt. Headed down to Heeren's HMV to look at more CDs. I just can't seem to be able to buy dashboard confessional's new album. When we left Heeren, it was pouring outside. Took a cab back.
Met Andy just now during lunch. Shared with him a summary of everything that happened the 2 weeks he was gone. Accountability always helps. Thank God for people who care. Really... I wouldn't have got this far if it weren't for them. Thanks for bearing with all my whining.

My bible is on my bed... I know I should go read it. I know I should go spend time with God. But I'm not doing it. Why? The closest answer I can get to the truth is... I want to do this on my own. I can't stay still and wait for Him to do something. I want it to happen now... I want her back now. I thought I could pick it up where God left off... Truth is, He isn't done yet. I snatched it out of His hands. I just hope that I didn't ruin anything.

Daryl, you silly silly boy. When will you learn to rely on me? I will provide.
But I want her.
I'll give you whats best for you.
But I want her.
Trust me.
But... will it be her?
Daryl... please don't doubt me. I've never failed you and I never will.
Yah, but I don't want anyone else...
Daryl, stop worrying and go to bed... Tomorrow will be a better day...
Are you sure?
Trust me.
Goodnight... Thanks for everything
I love you, Goodnight

There are somethings that I will never understand. Here is something I wrote when I was feeling really down...
I miss her. I want so much to feel her in my arms again but it seems like it might never happen. I've brought foolishness to another level. I feel like crying. She's so beautiful, yet its only her eyes that I look into. Her face so fragile, I can hardly look away. Reasons to love her? Is it necessary to explain? Its been the same since the start. I love the way we connect when we talk. The way I can be honest with myself around her. The way she allowed me to take care of her, as well as the way she took the lead when I couldn't. She made me a better person. Maturity? Don't talk to me about maturity. I've thought so much this one year it hurts.
He must be doing something very right for her. And I haven't a clue what its is. I hear her go on and on about how insensitive, demanding, controlling he is. But at the end of the day, she's still over there. I'm running out of ideas. And I'm so afraid of that. I'm so afraid that I'll run out of nice things to say to her. I'm so afraid that I'm not trying hard enough, but at the same time i'm afraid to try my best. The thought that she just stands there after i tried my best chills me to the bone.
I'm sick of people telling me to let go. I cannot and will not let go if I know she still feels for me. If I know there is a chance. I can go on forever describing every emotion that courses through me when I'm around her. Even the thought of that one kiss that will tell me that she's mine again... It lifts me and cripples me.

Yours truly in the goth rock look... Heheheh. Thanks to my brother, Dale for sending me the pictures.

Didn't feel really good today. When I woke up at 6:25am, I couldn't move. My throat was killing me also. My whole body felt as if I had run a marathon the day before. Basically, I was too sick to go for work. Wanted to call to inform them, but it was too early. Slept awhile more, woke up at 8 to message Chris to tell Kelvin that I couldn't go for work. Would have called Kelvin, but my voice was almost gone.

Spent quite a lot of time reminiscing and listening to songs. Wrote down my feelings in a letter. Been doing that a lot, but I know I won't be sending it. Went to see the doctor after dinner. Shen came over to pick up his drumset. He's using it for filming in school tomorrow. My room feels more spacious now. Went to see the doctor after that. Feeling drowsy now.. The cough medicine seems to be working. I think i'll go to bed soon...

::: Lyric of the Day :::
She'll lead you down a path
There'll be tenderness in the air
She'll let you come just far enough
So you know she's really there
She'll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She's got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay
A million miles away

This wasn't a bad weekend. Saturday was spent all the way at Yishun. Accompanied Matthew cos he was singing with Junaidi's band. I just went to watch. It wasn't bad at all. A little bit messy but i had fun just watching and singing along. Was supposed to have a jamming session of my own with Kevin, Gordan and another guy from Church of our Saviour but it was cancelled.

Had to rush down to church after the jamming session for seeker service practice. Had a lot of things to finalise for the skit. Had sore eyes midway through the practice. It was quite bad. Also had this wheezing cough which got on my nerves. Went home at around 11-ish.

Went to church at 8:45am for make-up... They made me look like one of the members from KISS. Hahaha... I'll upload the pictures when i get them. Went out with Cedric, Nathan, Jeremy and Eileen last night. What can I say? Nothing new. We watched 'Once upon a time in Mexico' at Orcard Cineleisure. Not a bad show, but the volume was too loud and the censorship board made the movie impossible to follow. Antonio Banderas still rules!

There are still things I shouldn't say. Not now... Not yet...

::: Lyric of the Day :::
I know something is wrong, I just dont know what to do.
You say it's only me and that I'm so perfect for you.
I don't want to try no more, I dont want to make this right.
I just want you to be true with me, one time.

The diversity of mankind is too vast to ever be classified. You just cannot generalise anyone. But we still try... We try so that we can get a grip on how we should react to certain people or in certain situations. The same way we try to create 'steps' or 'procedures'. So that we have some sort of road map to follow. But some things are just impossible to understand. Sure, we conduct studies, surveys, tests and interviews to try and milk out information on what people are like. How accurate are these tests? They rely on the subjects understanding of himself/herself. And what happens if I don't understand myself? What if I honestly think that I'm this sort of person. I've met countless people who are far from what they think they are.

Then there are things like opinions, backgrounds, relativity, situations, environments and emotions to consider aren't there? To one person, being kind might mean giving money to charities. But to another, that may not be enough, instead giving time to help old ladies cross streets. Sometimes I wish I could just wrap myself up in my blanket and work on my own relationship with God. So I won't have to hear judgements being passed about other people and keep wondering what people think of me.
But that won't make things any better would it?

These verses really hit me when i came across them.

::: Verse of the Day :::
Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!
O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you.
Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them.
Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'
Then you will defile your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold; you will throw them away like a menstrual cloth and say to them, 'Away with you!' "
| Isaiah 30:18-22 |

Went to watch 'Pirates of the Carribean' with the cell (Pat, Gloria & Gan). Jolene came also. Its a nice show. Maybe a little overrated but still nice. Johnny Depp is so talented it hurts... Haha. The movie ended at 11:10pm... Manage to bump into Nathan while walking to the busstop and we got a lift from him home. Talked to Pat again. Again i hear the phrase, 'You still have a long way to go'. How long, how long?

Been thinking more about people's character and how this affects Christians. For example, to one person(A), Christians shouldn't go clubbing. But to another(B), clubbing may be completely fine. So who is right and who is wrong?
Is A right? If he says that when you spend time with God, you'll desire less of the things in the world. Thats true, but wouldn't that make you a dreadfully dull person who wouldn't be able to relate to people who are 'of the world'?
Or is B right? Subjecting himself to temptations? Or being the salt and light of the world with people he knows and having fun at the same time? So many things to consider... How is it possible to judge a man by his actions?

Should A be more open to the 21st century or should B stop going so as not to become a 'stumbling block'? Where is the line drawn? Who draws it? And then here we move into legalism... No clubbing on saturday nights. Women shall not wear skirts or low cut outfits. All forms of jewellery shall be thrown away. You must spend no less than an hour reading the bible everyday.
Its all very confusing...

1 Corinthians 10
v23	"Everything is permissible"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is constructive.
v24	Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.
v31	So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
v32	Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God--
v33	even as I try to please everybody in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved.

Read this in the papers yesterday... Interesting...

KANGAROO SAVES MAN

------------------
MELBOURNE - A kangaroo saved a farmer's life by alerting his family that he was lying unconscious in a field, ambulance workers said yesterday.

The kangaroo began banging on the door of the family home in Morwell, eastern Victoria, during weekend storms in the area, Rural Ambulance Victoria paramedic Eddie Wright told a Melbourne radio station.

Mr Leonard Richards, 52, had been checking his property for storm damage, when he was hit on the head by a falling branch on Sunday morning, about 200m from the house. He was knocked unconscious and could have died had he not been found so quickly, the paramedic said.

"The kangaroo alerted them to where he was and went and sat down next to him and that's how they found him," he said. "The farmer's wife followed the kangaroo because he was acting out of character."

The kangaroo was wild, Mr Wright said, but had been adopted by the family around a decade ago because it was blind in one eye. It's about 10 years old and thinks it is a dog, he said. "It's not a pet as such, it's just an animal that's adopted them over the years and comes and goes as it pleases, they were lucky yesterday it was in the area."

Entire day spent in church today. Started at 8:30 in the morning... Had to act in the skit for Youth Camp Publicity. Then had to cover for Adric in drums... First song was quite messy but worship was good. Felt refreshed since friday... But as the weekend comes to a close, I find myself getting more weary. Maybe cos I'm physically tired from a long day today.

Had practice for seeker service... 2-ish to 7-ish. Had a lot of time to think in between scenes. So many thoughts which I don't know how to translate into words. So many choices... Many choices which aren't necessarily wrong... But maybe not be the best step to take. But sometimes I get so frustrated at thinking and praying about making the right choices when I can just choose MY way... Saves the headache. But it isn't the best path. And I can't be sure that I'm under His hand if I go my own way. You see the dilemma? Maybe you might not understand... Thats ok. I don't understand myself sometimes too...

::: Song of the Day :::
It's so hard, believe in things,
that you can't see yourself, see yourself.
Behind the scene, lies more then
you can understand yourself, stand yourself.

Then they'll tell you what you want to hear,
when they're done, will you still live in fear?

And everything you said to me put me on my knees,
and everything you said to me put me on my knees.
I can't believe a thing you say
I can't believe a thing you say.

You're told that selfishness will guide your path.
What will you do when that just dosen't last?

Its so hard to believe in you
I'm not quite clear what I should do
And now I know that you're the only one,
but do they know that you're the only one.

It's so hard to, believe in things that you can't see.
| acceptance - things you say |

End of the week already... Quite fast. Just got back from church... Prayer meeting was amazing. I've never felt everyone so fired up before. It must be the desire. Can't wait for more. I have a greater work to do. This is so exciting!!! Will update more tomorrow.

Had an entry yesterday... But my window got closed by another website. Sigh... I think i understand why i prefer packed weekends now... So that I don't have to be reminded... But I cannot escape it. Its almost inevitable. But I guess I should be thankful that I can always think about Him.

Andy & Valerie's wedding was sweet. As usual it made me think. Who, when and how. (Dale said, 'Aiyoh! Please lah. Still so long to go!') But I'm very happy for Andy. I think God has really blessed him. The wedding dinner was very good as well. I loved the photo album displayed outside the banquet hall. The photos were beautiful, really brought out the character of the both of them very well... Now I understand why they spent so much time with the photo shoots.

Yesterday, I had to make an announcement over the pulpit about the youth camp. I dunno why, but i was nervous like nobody's business... I think my voice was quivering. Harhar... Was supposed to play the drums for worship practice too, since Cedric couldn't make it. But Adric, the intern drummer, was there so I let him get a taste of playing for worship. Still have a lot to learn, but you only learn by playing. Feel like I've come a long way in drumming. Now I'm helping to teach techniques and playing styles. I guess thats how it works doesn't it?

My knee is killing me. Fell off a bike yesterday while going to retrieve the soccer ball from the canal beside my estate. The brakes of the bike were worn. And I couldn't stop when I was losing control of the bike. There's a gash on my shoulder and also on my hand when i tried to cushion my fall. I feel like I'm getting old. :P Still played soccer after that though. Scored a goal too. But could feel my knee swelling after I went home to bathe...

Need to get back right with God again. Don't like to feel like a hypocrite when I'm talking to others.

::: Lyric of the Day :::
This Touch. Last touch.
This touch, won't break me.
A word too soft to be spoken.
Wrapped in barbed wire.
And traveling amongst the charred, fields of snow.
I have become.. wounded.
For the souls lost in this display of self rightous ideals.
Break for I'm the one who deserves this pain.
The innocent will find.
The innocent will find their place in heaven.

I think her articles are really good...

The New Sexual Temptation

by Camerin Courtney

Sexual temptation ain't what it used to be.
When I was a kid, Three's Company was a controversial TV show for us younger viewers. For about half my friends and classmates, this "risqué" program, in which two women and one guy shared an apartment strictly for financial reasons, was off-limits.

Flash forward a couple decades, and it's difficult to find a TV show without at least one cohabiting couple, who are sharing living quarters for reasons that are far from fiscal. And on the commercial breaks during these shows, sex is used to sell everything from organic shampoo to health club memberships.

For these reasons and many more, if you gathered ten typical Christians in a room and asked them what they think the biggest struggle is for their single sisters and brothers, I bet a majority of them would mention sexual temptation.

It's a good guess. But it's wrong. When we posed this question to you single readers, sexual temptation ranked third (with 15 percent of the vote), behind loneliness (32 percent) and trying to be content in my current life stage (24 percent).

I have a pretty good idea why this issue didn't rank any higher: It's difficult to be tempted sexually when you haven't been on a date in a couple years!

Over the past many months we've also conducted polls and asked for feedback that's revealed a trend of Christian singles dating less and less. So, it's perfectly logical that sexual temptation is taking a back seat to other more pressing and relevant issues.

However, the many e-mails I received last week in response to my admission that I've watched a few episodes of that new TV show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy reminded me of a more subtle form of sexual temptation I think we singles in particular need to guard against: In today's entertainment culture, it's easy to get desensitized to sexual ethics and practices that are contrary to our Christian beliefs. In other words, the new battleground for sexual temptation isn't the bedroom, but our brains.

I'm startled every now and then when watching Friends or Alias or the latest blockbuster flick to find myself not at all fazed when a couple winds up in bed together on the first date, or when I find myself even rooting for the consummation of a long-awaited romance or the breakup of a marriage so a third party can enter the scene.

I'm not proud of these things, but they're true. And I know from a few candid conversations with friends that there are many of us desperately trying to keep from being products of our over-sexualized culture.

So how do we do that?

If you think I'm going to suggest tossing your TV or watching only PAX programming and reading only the Left Behind series, you're wrong (unless you feel called by God to do so). Not only would that lead to a dreadfully narrow intake of artistic stimuli, it would make us woefully irrelevant to peers outside the Christian subculture. In fact, one of the most effective outreaches my church has staged recently is a film festival, in which we showed some strategically selected movies and then discussed the spiritual and ethical themes therein.

But on the other hand, there have been times when I've opted out of a movie outing, quit reading a novel, or decided to stop watching certain TV shows altogether, such as Queer Eye or Will and Grace, because, though popular and often well-written, they've had me laughing at or rooting for things that are quite contrary to my beliefs. And, let's face it, as single people, when we get aroused by certain scenes in movies or in books, there's not much that's healthy we can do with those feelings.

Sometimes I'm even more concerned about the subtle ways "reality" dating shows, romantic comedies, and the new genre of "chick lit" can shape our expectations for the opposite sex and for romantic relationships. Drawing from these sources, it's easy to believe singles are always buff, shallow, witty, catty, and drawn to hot tubs. But even a cursory glance around your local singles group, mall, or crowded movie theater will reveal that reality is so much less "glamorous" and so much more refreshingly diverse.

There are times I feel a bit prudish by deeming certain shows a no-go for myself or drawing other lines. But when I remember that God's just as concerned about our thoughts and motives as our actions (Matthew 5:21-22, 27-28), I know this is the right thing to do. And when I'm spared that niggling feeling of guilt when finishing a novel or walking out of a movie theater, I experience a refreshing peace of mind.

This whole topic seems to me just another reason our relationship with God needs to be daily and active, and why we need to allow him into the messier parts of our life. I need his guidance to know how to make these seemingly minor decisions that help form my paradigm about major issues. He knows my weaknesses and areas in which I'm especially susceptible and can help me make wise choices that will protect me from unhealthy thoughts or actions.

This is also a reason we need to allow others who share our faith into the messier parts of our lives as well. I need the loving accountability of friends who will call me on certain decisions when I'm perhaps tuning out God's voice or having a difficult time hearing it. What a vital role we can play in each other's lives, drawing us closer to each other and to God, as we take the risk to be real with one another.

And hopefully, when those few coveted dates do finally happen in our lives, we'll be well equipped to draw lines and make decisions that, though they may seem boring by entertainment media standards, will lead to the kind of fulfilling happy endings that only the best Author and Director could create.

Blessings!
Camerin Courtney

This post is dedicated to Matthew
Back home now... Went to Sim Lim to meet Ziig and Matt just now. Ziig and I were buying a present, a discman, for Matt. And he was right there with us. :P Anyway, my 'elaborate' plan to surprise him didn't go so well. But glad he likes it. Had a good chat about the band under one of the blocks just now. About the band needing to shape up considerably.

As I was complaining earlier... about the world being so judgmental. Its not like I've never experienced those things. (Except the sleeping around part...) Its just that I choose not to? Not that I don't enjoy those things. Its just that I don't crave it. I don't need it... Is there anything wrong with that? Am I being stiff? I don't think so... I've found something else which satisfies so much more than what the world can offer. Who's losing out? I'm SATISFIED... I don't have to go on chasing pointless things, putting on false fronts, lying to myself and to others around me.

Check out this Blog. Notice anything familiar? Notice something similar in the posts? Killer... ROAR!!
Anyway, been reading about this new website which detects plagiarism... Its here... It allows teachers, lecturers to submit essays of students. The program then checks with its database to see if the essay has been plagiarised. Quite amazing... But kinda irritating too. I think it'll become quite big in Singapore soon if it hasn't already. Haha.

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Results of Your Jealousy Test
--------------------------------

	Jealousy
Your score = 42

What does your score mean?

Most people experience a certain amount of fear that their loved one could leave them for someone else. After all, these things happen, and when they do, it is usually very painful. You fit right into this usual range - certain situations may spark feelings of jealousy, but generally you are not preoccupied with the fear of losing your partner. If you were honest with yourself while taking the test, this means that you are secure, strong, independent and rational enough to recognize the possibility of losing your partner to someone else, but not be consumed by it. That does not mean that you do not care; you would certainly be as sad or crushed as anybody else. However, you know that if it ever happens, you will survive with your self-esteem and dignity intact. You realize that even though you might love your partner very much, s/he is not the only fish in the sea, and that you would eventually find happiness with someone else. Such feelings give you a sense of security and the strength to trust, and allow you to be comfortable in the relationship. That, in turn, boosts the chances of a lasting and fulfilling relationship.

Take the Jealousy Test
(for women)
(for men)

Quite a repetitive day today... Burnt the CDs for SAS online documentation. Now waiting for the installation on one of the PCs to be completed. I think i must have accidently cancelled the installation process so we had to install again. Volunteered to stay back to finish up. Cos its time to go home already...

We (Kelvin, Ganesh, Chris & I) were chatting just now. I really think they don't know the real me... I'm quite quiet at work. Maybe they think I'm those withdrawn types... Maybe they think I'm boring.
Isn't this what the world will see you as? If you don't go clubbing, you're boring. If you don't hang out late into the night, you're a goody-two-shoes. If you choose not to sleep around, you're frigid. Whats up with that? Who set the rules for this damned life?

Installation completed... Will update again on this...

Kena scolding by God... :-(

::: Verse of the Day :::
A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold.
A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.
| Proverbs 22:1,3 |

Good evening... Today was a relatively good day. Praise God for that. Went to work on time and worked overtime even... haha. Wanted to go Sim Lim after work so I took 66... Somehow missed the stop and after going 'i dunno where'. I ended up along Jalan Eunos. Thought a lot on the bus... Especially about what I've become. I didn't realise until Andy told me on Sunday... I've built up a reputation for myself already. And I shouldn't throw it all away by doing foolish things. I think he's absolutely right... A few months ago, I asked God to let me be used by Him... I better not blow this chance.

Also thought about looking at the big picture. I realise that when I step back a look at what i'll become, things don't look so bad... Its when i start zooming on how lonely I am or how much I miss her that things get unbearable. I actually had to move my head back while I was in the bus to 'look at the big picture' :P Maybe its not as bad as it seems... Maybe someday I'll accept the fact.

Bought a CD yesterday from Wake Me Up Music... The Gloria Record!!! Emo to the max... KILLER DEALER!!! Actually I went to get dashboard confessional's new album... But it was sold out. Sad. All the way to Queenstown and back... I've been having problems with public transport lately... Dunno why. For example, I know I have to get down at the next stop... But I just zonk out and only realise when the doors are closing... Weird.

ITS NOT TIME... Goodnight...